Those things that begin with B

B - bumming. My favourite B word. I've done that for the last week and honestly it's been a blast, but I'm starting to become restless. I'm doing nothing - absolutely nothing that it's starting to drive me crazy - at the moment, I'm starting to feel that I'm a waste of space and resources, see i'm just using and using but i'm not contributing. How wasteful. How boring. But you know seriously, it's at these times of nothing-ness that the little things, those little idiosyncharcies of life start jumping out at you. Yes. You do start thinking alot even though you're home, you're where you want to be, you're comfortable and you're happy.

Yup. I've been thinking about. And I know now why, busy people like to continue to be busy. Why people whose lives are falling apart or who is crumbling inside like to be busy and continue being busy, because for them, being busy is an escape, a denial, an escape from reality of the imperfect world that we're living in, an escape from having absolutely no control over things that they wished they had control over, a breather from watching the things or people they care about from breaking down or distancing themselves from them.

For them I suppose, being busy and in denial is a drug. A adrenaline rush. To be in control is a magic stick, a weapon. A weapon to be happy, yes stress is the key to happiness. And you know what, I kinda like the idea of that.

I don't like uncertainty. Neither do like I wondering or thinking what if. I like control and yes I like to be in the know too. No knowing is scary. So that's why denial is a good thing. Because denying that you not know something would never compromise the power of being in the know. Yes denial coupled with being busy is the key. I like that.

I've decided that I should become busy and denial. Yes. I love bumming but Bumming doesn't make you useful, bumming doesn't encourage denial. Thats why I decided that I shan't be bothered any longer. I shan't continue to worry OR care, or much less attempt to salvage friendship that I had from another who doesn't want to acknowledge it. How can I pretend to be all hopeful when it's already been given up.

Doctor says I'm stressed. School's taking the living daylights outta me. The house is driving me crazy. I wonder too much. wished he was around more. Wished I had more ice-cream and crawling into bed was an option avaliable anytime, anywhere. I'm having trouble keeping myself afloat - or wait - i'm still trying to learn to survive. I'm trying to hold it together and I don't think I'm actually able to hold it together for another.

I'm happy. I really am. But sometimes I doubt if I really am.