Time to say goodbye

I shall make a whimsical attempt to try and get this post posted because I have absolutely no clue about what blogger did to my last post. It just got lost! The lack of anger or frustration at the technological error is not because I don't feel it, but rather I am now, at this point in time very very jaded with the way things are. Hence the lack of enthusiasm.

Home is like 6 days away I reckon. Just really a measly 6. My granny and sis came over the weekend and now they've gone. So tonight once again, I return to my life of old. My brief respite having been taken back. No more ready-to-eat meals, simple yet absolutely scrumptious. I return to my 5 minute cooking stints in the kitchen that well became slightly cleaner after the auntie's arrival. I return to my bed, that has pillows to fill every inch of free space so that I wouldn't be so lonely and cold in the winter nights when I'm alone.

It was a joyous weekend while it lasted. Although on one hand, I had such a good time, it brought to light many new issues and perhaps, reiterated present ones.

I've always held the notion that the life I live here, is vastly and drastically different from the one I have back home. And after everyone has come and gone (though blessing me by coming here to visit), the notions have not been disproved. It's like I have a multiple personality disorder, or maybe an obessive compulsive disorder that makes me obessed about keeping my life separate and compartmentalised. Who I am and what i am (or perhaps, what i make myself out to be!) has been single-handedly divided into minute-sized compartments - millions and millions of them. Here in Melbourne, I only reveal parts of it to most of the people I know, few I let in on more.

As such, I can be such an uptight bitch here. Sometimes really. (Although, I'm not saying that I don't act like one occasionally? when I'm at home). I'm a rather selfish person on alot of occasions and I possess an attitude that really isn't be-fitting of someone who is trying to be a good Christian. There are times when I really couldn't care less about some of the people around me. I could possibly even do things because I need something in return. I rather be taking the bus and scurrying about alone, in my own little world than have to make piecemeal irrelevant conversation about the world around me.

So then, I guess the question now is why i'm still stuck in this rut despite knowing all these faults. I suppose, ultimately, it is about protecting myself. Protecting who I am. Hiding the vulnerability behind the facade because of the things that I have to face alone. I don't allow myself to be laid back here either because I've learnt a moment of weakness can bring me to my knees. It's hard being here. It really is. Because it really is, hard living for one's self all the time.

However, I do have people that I really enjoy being around with (let's hope they feel the same way.teehee.)

On the other hand though, people coming to visit has also made me realise how much time has past me by. As I continually learn about being an adult, the adults regress into a state of old age. I'm starting to want to lead the fast life, I have never been able to tolerate inefficiency and I always love to get things done proper, my way at breakneck speed. I never liked people to forget (despite myself being forgettful) of the things that I've told them to do. I starting to dislike being obligated to people, because in the last year I learnt that people can use obligations to turn against you. Thus, it came as a great shock when I started to find myself being irked by the forgetfulness of my grandmother, the little "uncool" mannerisms that she had always had.

It's really not that I don't love her any longer. I still do. Heaps really. I love the way she stands strong and her will to remain young still never fails to amaze me. Her independence and her motivation are things that I have always admired and will continue too. However, I guess youth and adulthood kinda pushes you the wrong way and the wrong buttons. Although, it should not be an excuse, but I realise I tend to react to it particularly more aggressively when I'm tired and frustrated, compounded by the fact that I have not yet had my morning coffee. It's hard to have her not be able to catch up with me or do the things that she used to do so well. It's hard to not say anything when she makes comments or judgements that I know are truly wrong.

It's as if, the past year has made her all the more older. All the more weaker. And I, all the more outspoken and defiant. honestly, it was rather shocking. I think in this respect, I've made a promise that I should compromise and not her, once again youth and old-age being the reasons. I am not obliged or forced to stick to tradition having so little exposure to the world outside, whereas her opinions have been entwined to the very roots of who she is. I will change.

just 6 more.