Still Yan?

I hate it when my I can't articulate what I'm feeling. I know that words can never completely express how one might feel, but I wish sometimes that I wasn't so lacking in that area. I wish also that I can be angry, instead of just being irritated and frustrated. Because, as much as anger is possibly a bad feeling to have, i think it's an emotion that is as essential as sadness and happiness. I guess I can possibly feel angry, but as far as I can remember, the only person who has made me mad was Ray. Everyone else, frustration, irritation or sadness.

Tell me how.

I was just wondering if past mistakes, past actions make you less of a person you are. Actually, I'm wondering whether the things i've done in the past make me less of a person. Make me lesser a person. Make me not yan. I'm just wondering. Does it? Even after I've owned up, confessed and told the truth.

Because as far as i'm concerned, I don't think it does.

Still,

Mon: Am I untrustworthy? I think only you know me long enough to know.

Luo po: The times I admitted stuff to you. Did you see me differently?

I believe that if i'm right with God, than everything else doesn't matter. I mean afterall, who cares about what the world thinks of me? Those who judge me based on past mistakes that I've been trying to make a conscious effort to change, I've been taught to not bother about them. I've been living this way since I was 17.

I've already argued and stated my case. I'm not perfect. And i never will be. I can only try to be.

I'm wondering now though, that why does it matter so much, what that one person thinks, this time around. I'm trying and it's exhausting. I'm frustrated too. And I can only cry. It sucks. Because I don't want to. I want to stop running.

It's enough hard questions. Hard questions. I wish it came one at a time.

The lines on each person's face tell a story.

I went back to AC today. To play hockey. To see the school. To see my juniors. I miss school. I miss the protection.
And you know what? As compared to those who took their A levels this year, these J1s look innocent. Look like they've still have yet to grow up. Still have yet to experience. Sometimes, really..I still think ignorance is bliss. The less you know, as Mr Kuna once said, the less you have to worry about, the less things that to drive you insane and crazy.

Maybe i'll go crazy one day.

I still go back to my favourite song though....

Superman
I can't stand to fly, I'm not that naive
I'm just out to find, The better part of me
I'm more than a bird, I'm more than a plane
More than some pretty face beside a train
It's not easy to be me

Wish that I could cry
Fall upon my knees
Find a way to lie
About a home I'll never see

It may sound absurd, but don't be naive
Even Heroes have the right to bleed
I may be disturbed ­but won't you conceed
Even Heroes have the right to dream
It's not easy to be me

Up, up and away, away from me
It's all right, ­You can all sleep sound tonight
I'm not crazy ­or anything

I can't stand to fly
I'm not that naive
Men weren't meant to ride
With clouds between their knees

I'm only a man in a silly red sheet
Digging for kryptonite on this one way street
Only a man in a funny red sheet
Looking for special things inside of me

It's not easy to be me.