Can you wait?

I’m trying again. I hope it works this time around. I had so much wanted to say last night, but technology, once again failed me. I wrote twice, but now I’ll try again, because I’ve still got something I want to say.

Did I already mention before, I hate technology.

I’m scared of going home. Last night I was, anyway. Yes, last night I was. I’m going to be home in less than a month. For the simplest reason that I’m scared of how it is going be like. Strange. I know. It’s not that I don’t miss my family and friends, I miss them to death actually. I miss them more than I possibly can comprehend. It’s hard being without them. But rather, I’m afraid of going home because there’ll be changes. Changes that I wouldn’t be able to understand or do anything about. Australia is now routine. I just wake up, do what I have to do everyday and get on with my life. Life doesn’t change. Routine doesn’t change. But going home would mean that I would wake up each day not knowing what might happen.

But I think what I’m most afraid of though, is losing perspective. Yes, I’m scared of losing God all over again. I’m scared of not having his hand to hold.

Yan can deal with environmental changes. But not routine.

Today’s Leonard’s birthday. So Happy Birthday Leonard. May all ya wishes come true, though you mentioned that you don’t believe in wishes. I wouldn’t mention how old he is though, because I suppose MEN become sensitive too…about their ages when it comes to this time. I had the privilege of attending his birthday party last night and it was such a blast. It made me wonder a lot of things though.
It made me wonder if I would be happy when I’m there at that age. Whether I would be doing what I like. Whether I would lost my fascination with snowflakes, Eyore, stars and rain. Whether I would still be in love with coffee and cakes. Whether I’ll still be on a diet??!!

Will I change? Yan, will you? I don’t know. I hope it’ll be for the better though.

Last night, a sense of realisation struck me. After too long a time, it was like that beacon of light amidst the dark. I finally understood the reason why I don’t like going through the process of liking. Perhaps, I had this sense of revelation before, but maybe the last time, I wasn’t as good as explaining and putting it into words.

I don’t like “liking” because I hate to have to worry extra and show more care. I hate having to worry myself silly, and feeling the pain of not knowing. My heart hurts when that happens. No, no, no. It’s not that I don’t love my friends, not that I don’t wanna show them care. Actually rather, I love them to death. I love them to heaps. I love doing things for them and seeing them happy. But it’s different from having a special person. I reckon it’s because the expectations are different. No, no, no…and it’s not that I don’t have expectations from my friends and they don’t have expectations of me either. Rather, I think the expectations are the same, but you fall harder when the disappointments come. That’s what I personally feel anyway. After two relationships…It hurts and it sucks.
No expectations, no disappointments.
Maybe, that’s why I’m still so scared to love again. Possibly. To put my expectations on someone. To have that person’s expectations on me, because I’m afraid to fail them.

Yan, will you ever get over it?

Till I see you again

Days fly by,
Quicker than a blur, more than a sigh
Faster than a blink of an eye
And it hurts when I can’t count,
For the ecstasy of your presence and knowing that you care
Are worth more than the diamonds of this world,
Till I see you again.
Please.