The most difficult thing in the world

I just found out about the hardest thing to do today... it's more difficult than having to stomach someone backstabbing you, spreading rumours about you, getting a pHd, completeing ya undergraduate studies, having the chance to follow your dreams - to be content.

It's such a far-fetched concept really. i mean you can't exactly describe contentment, you can't put descriptive words to it, there's no facial expression for it, there's really no means to express it. i think it's an individual, heart feeling. it comes from within. and i'm not talking about temporary contentment, about finally getting your hands on the ipod you've long desired, finally getting a boyfriend, having that cuppa coffee. i'm not talking about that...i'm talking about the type of contentment you get when you look at the things around you and still decide that it doesn't matter even if you don't have them..because your life is good the way it is. it's the hardest thing to do really. because there would always be something new that we want.

i'm embarrassed to say that even though i've discovered this today, and this is the first time i've actually felt the magnitude and depth of the matter, i'm not a contented person.
the whole notion of it all is still a little difficult to grasp. It entails sacrificing the desires of the flesh and going after what god wants...trusting and claiming the promise that we can never outgive God. Going out of our way to do something for someone else. choosing at the start of ya day when you wake up that it'll be a good day, even though the weather sucks, you could do with more sleep, and you've got an assignment due tommorrow. it entails all of these. It encompasses making a choice and deciding right at the start. It's doing it every single day for the rest of your life.

That's how difficult it is.

Remember how i was saying a couple of days ago that i think i'm becoming cynical?? well, i'm not becoming cynical, actually i already am cynical. yups. The people that i've met here are very simple. They take the world for what it is. They don't take things for granted. They don't mind lowering themselves to a level beneath what they are. As much as i thought i had to compromise what i believed for them, ironically, it just dawned me now that they had to go beneath themselves for me. It's hard having to come to terms with that. It's difficult to see the world for what it is any longer..there's this huge discrepancy.

I think i've been too pampered, too blessed by my friends and God. I cannot imagine what would happen if he decided one day to take all the things he has given to me away. I'll be in poverty. Really.

I remember that when i was a kid, before i knew about God, i used to have
this horrific nightmares. Terrible ones. i'll get them once every fornight and
it'll leave me in tears. They'll scare me silly and drive me crazy.

I remember in secondary school, i had a problem with taking my a maths
papers. My parents would take turns coming to accompany me through them. I can't
imagine what would have happened if God decided that he wouldn't be there, that
my parents wouldn't be there. I remember for the 2 years in JC, i cried so much
that i thought i would have been better off if i died. It was so tempting to
just in a spur of a depression decide to not cross the road properly. I can't
imagine if there was no phone and i couldn't call my dad to cry, if there was no
jamie, luo pos, tsin or denessa. I can't imagine if God didn't send them.

I remember that i had so many problems that it was just so tempting to just
give up. I can't imagine if Mon wasn't there.

Now in uni, i failed my first law exam. I couldn't sleep for 2 nights
because i would wake up in tears. I thought i heard people sniggering and
laughing at me. I was devastated because i thought i had failed my parents. I
thought i wouldn't become a lawyer. I cannot imagine if God didn't get my luo po
to call, Mon to send me a message, dad to ring me and tell me it's alright. I
can't imagine if God didn't tell me then that it's not the end and that i'm
being where i am for a reason even though it's incomprehendable now.

I can't imagine if God suddenly decided to stop holding my hand.

it's hard to put into words but i think from the start, i've got it all wrong. ALL, ALL WRONG.

i'm still trying to work my head around it. But i know that i must start learning. Because there was never a first position. it was also only when you regard yourself as last, do people percieve that you as first.

-shrugs-