DELUSIONAL or WHAT....

it just occurred to me that for the most part of my life, it never really bothered me about what people thought about my abilities, it never really mattered to  me whether i was smart, whether i was at the bottom of the class, whether my cousins or anyone else outshone me, because my parents never failed to make me feel that as long as i tried hard enough, they were happy. and it didn't matter even if i didn't top my class, got a scholarship and everything like that. which was great, especially when everyone else was concerned about getting to the top, my parents were happy that we tried. maybe that was where my "stubborness" [as my pa called it], vowing  never to give up, was born out of.

but then JC came around, all of a sudden, to be somewhere in the middle was not alright. to get mediocre grades wasn't going to get you anywhere. even NUS wouldn't want you as a student if you did not get at least an A. everyone kept saying that it wasn't the end of the world if you didn't clear your A levels, but we all knew the truth. going into the A's was a one way ticket. All of a sudden, things started to take a turn. things that never mattered, never ought to matter, started to weigh on you. i'm starting to feel that i'll always have to struggle against conventions. and it's making me awfully tired. the expectations of my parents never changed, but i think mine did. and coz' of that, everything has seemingly started getting harder, the end of my dreams further. i feel so small. small and minute. not insignificant. but close to it.

i'll like to prove everyone who ever thought they'll get a chance to turn their noses on me wrong. i'll like to make my parents proud.
i'll like to make the snobbish, feel exactly the way i feel.
i'll like to go against conventions and prove that you need not be absolutely brilliant to succeed.

but i'm tired. very tired. someone send me life saver please. 
i'm begging.